Back on track

About time...
     So I can comfortably say this was a good week. After having what feelings like several not so good weeks, all I can say is it's about freakin time! Was down 4 pounds this week. Takes me to 53.6 pounds overall. It also takes me down into another news set of numbers...I do love when that happens. I have attached my chart as well, it helps me put it into perspective and realize that I have come a long way.

More to come...
     Later on today or tomorrow (my parents are visiting this weekend) I am going to remeasure everything and do some new stats...I'm interested to find out how much things have changed since the last time.

I'm hungry!!!

Mid-diet crisis...
     I'm still not sure if it's that I am half-way through my diet and starting to have a slightly less strict mindset because I'm actually starting to know a difference, or if my body is telling me that it's sick of this shit... whatever the reason, I am really struggling.

Clearly unmotivated...
     I have lost some element of motivation that I had before. I started writing this post two or three days ago! I don't know what my issue is. I haven't stopped the diet or anything, but I, as I said before, am REALLY struggling. I desperately want to be done, but I feel like I am not even close. Feeling a little depressed too. Don't know what I need to do to get out of this funk, but I wish the solution would present itself soon, I really don't want to screw this up.

Weigh day...
     On a slightly more positive note, today was weigh day and I lost 3.6 lbs. Brings my total to 44.5 lbs. Every day I get closer, yet every day it seems like my goal is an eternity away.

*God, could I sound anymore sullen today? Ick. Maybe a Noreen visit would help :o)

No Sleep....

Three days...
     So for the past three days I haven't really been sleeping. This poses a particular problem with my diet because then I not only have to fight hunger pangs and carb cravings all day long, but then in the middle of the night as well when, let's be honest, inhibitions are lowered anyway. It's been rough, especially last night when I literally didn't sleep AT ALL!
     And I would not admit to this if not for the saving grace of the anonymity of blogging, but in my sleepless hungry hours I have watched the entire series of Wildfire! I think I actually had an addiction. Just finished the last episode this morning. So of course last night I was sitting on the couch bawling my eyes out most of the night. It is a very dramatic show...

No cheating...
     Regardless of my hopeless battle with hunger and cravings I have managed not to cheat. I have only Diet Mountain Dew and cigarettes to thank for that though (and my very supportive husband)! Those are healthy ways of fighting food cravings right? :op

So Hungry... Day 61

Being back home does not equal easier diet...

     So, I really did think that being back home would make being on my diet easier. Not so much. I want to eat EVERYTHING right now. I know I'm still not really settled in, I mean I haven't even been back a week and the weekend was full of birthday parties and lots of visitors, but holy cow this week has been rough. I mean, I have never found the smell of cereal so ridiculously appealing! Every morning when I feed Liam his cereal I am practically drooling... what I wouldn't give for a carbalicious bowl of Captain Crunch! Haha. Oh well...

The good part...

     The good thing is that I seem to be able to notice a slight drop in weight every morning. Which, I am not sure that I was able to do in London. Although I couldn't exactly read the scale properly so who knows! Either way it's the only thing keeping me going on this hellish no-carb regimen. 

32 lbs and going strong (I hope!)...

Late weigh day

Another guesstimate...
     Once again I had no one to read the scale for me, so it was another guess, between 3 & 4 lbs. lost, so I will stick with the lower (3) just in case! Brings my total to just over 30 lbs. Can't figure out what is wrong with me though! I just can't get excited about that. I think it's because on one of the charts I have made (I have two) I have written down how much weight I want to lose and I see that big number and think that no other number matters much in comparison...

Survived Paris...
     I can't even believe I survived my whole Paris trip without eating anything non-diet.  My three-year-old's behavior was horrendous to the point he had me in tears (a lot). I'm sure if you have read any of my previous blogs you know that his behavior since we began our month in London has slowly taken away all his manners and his behavior has gotten worse. However, our trip to Paris was the most horrifying, mortifying, ungodly experience I've ever had.
     Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed as much of my trip as possible, but he threw fits (in public) that I have never witnessed on any child before. He actually smacked me in the face...that has never happened in his whole life until he started getting too spoiled and allowed to get away with anything in London. It is so frustrating because I don't know how to cope with this kind of behavior, I have never HAD to deal with this kind of behavior. I am totally lost.
     Anyway, the point to all of this was that I survived being around wonderfully delicious food 24/7 while being beyond stressed and I didn't touch any of it! I at least feel proud of myself for that (and also a little sad!)...I was in Paris and didn't get to have ANY French food...no croissant, no chocolates, nothing...

Sigh...

Weigh Day...Third of four in London...

Slowin' down...
     Still hate this scale...Not really certain what my weight loss is for the week, but my guess is 2-3 lbs. It would seem that is another slow down. Although, really I have myself to blame. I have still been sticking to the diet (no foods eaten that aren't listed), but I have also not been AS careful with the portions because I don't have a food scale here and have been guessing a lot.
     And probably more importantly, there is the fact that I have indulged in wine a couple of times since I have been here. It was necessary though, so I guess I just have to suck it up and accept that my weight loss will start speeding up again in a couple weeks when I get home (I miss home!!)

Worth it...
     Went out with an old friend last night and shared a couple bottles of wine. GREAT time! I so needed it! I could not have had a worse day if I had planned it to be bad! I had the kids to myself, so I planned (in great detail) a day out at the London Aquarium, London Eye, and the Thames River Cruise. The night before I had packed our lunches, got the back pack all set up with diapers, wipes, and toys. I knew which bus to take, etc.
     What actually happened was: The bus took SO long to get their that by the time I got us into the aquarium I realised I had to get us back out again so that we wouldn't miss our 12:45 river cruise (which I had planned at that time so I could give the kids lunch on the boat.
     It took 45 minutes to find my way out of that damn aquarium! I got completely lost! We missed our boat so had to been rescheduled for the 1:45 one. This meant eating lunch outside on the wet tables (did I mention this was the first day it decided to PISS down rain)!
     So we had just enough time to eat lunch and for the kids to get bored and cranky before we got on the boat...then I was completely mortified by these freshly spoiled kids during our boat ride! I know grandparents are supposed to spoil kids, but my kids were never spoiled, in fact I was always proud of how well behaved they were in public...I always made a big effort for them to be respectful and polite. Their behavior has taken a complete 180 since we have been here though...I have so much damage control when I get home!
    Anyway...ended up skipping the Eye, got lost for an hour and a half trying to find a bus stop that was working and had my bus...took an hour and a half to get back home because it was right at the end of the school day (that was really enjoyable...).
     So, needless to say...I needed a glass of wine!

Delays!

Sorry for the delay...
     Ok, so I didn't realize how difficult it would be to sit down and blog after my husband abandoned me [;o)] in London with my in-laws! I feel very awkward just sitting and typing away on the computer while sitting in a room with them. Right now, my mother-in-law took the kids in the stroller to the shop and my father-in-law (who I feel markedly more comfortable around anyway) is reading the paper...soooo I feel I can at least do a quick update.

SLOWING down...
     So, it appears that my weight loss is slowing down here. I do realize that the scale isn't as accurate (much harder to read), and that I have been stressed, however, I have been CONSTANTLY on the move, shoving the kids around in the stroller one place or another. I also have a harder time with measurements and my mother-in-law is also insisting on preparing my dinner. I have made it very clear that I am on a very strict diet, but this does not stop her. In her defense she has been giving me plates with either salmon or some other protein and vegetables, but there have been too many vegetables and the protein servings are not measured.
     So basically, since my husband (a.k.a. my voice in the house) left, I haven't lost anything. Weigh day isn't until Friday, but seeing as how I haven't lost anything up until today (Wednesday), it's not looking good...

Rambling...
     Excuse my writing...if it sounds like I'm rambling or rushing, well, I am! I need to update here, take a shower, and have gone to the drug store before the kids get back! Must run! Any suggestions for my current food situation/mother-in-law situation would be welcome!

*Oh, and I have been checking my ketones...while my husband was here I was measuring moderate to high...now I am back down to small. Boo!

A rare moment of silence...

Recap...
     So, quick recap of the last, say, five years of my life. Met a Brit, fell in love, gained weight, diagnosed with PCOS, graduated with a degree in Journalism (with which I have done nothing relevant), got married, lived in London for a year, got pregnant (very blessed), got fat, had a miscarriage, got fatter, got pregnant again (doubly blessed), got even fatter, now one year later am attempting the Protein Sparing Modified Fast (PSMF) while visiting the in-laws for a month in London.
     Now I wondered if my stress levels may have been hindering my weight loss. The past few weeks (finals, packing, moving, traveling with a one year-old and three year-old) have been chaotic and extremely stressful. I have been losing weight, but I have also noticed that with each week that passes I lose a little less. I realize this could be a natural part of this unnatural diet, but at the same time, I eat so little I feel like I should be wasting away right now. And, although my husband says I am, I am in fact not wasting away.

Damn kilos and stones...
     Initially I thought the scale here at my in-laws' house was fairly close to mine, maybe a pound off. But that is mostly because I happened to be right on one of the stone marks. However, I either cannot tell if I am losing weight, because the pound markers are minuscule in size, or I am in fact not losing weight...to which I would say: "What a crock of shit!"
     I have probably eaten less here that at home...still in ketosis...and walking ALOT. I should at the very least keep up the same pattern as before, if not increase the weight loss. I have a very distinct feeling that I am just going to be frustrated until I get home in three weeks to weigh myself on my scale. This is unbearable! And I even had my husband grab the scale from home and bring it to my parents house so I could weigh myself right before we left (and sadly I also considered packing it, but our bags would have been too heavy).

Added stress...
     To really put the stress-eating-urge into overdrive, I had to take my one-year-old to the hospital last night with a ridiculously high fever. He is fine, just some tonsillitis, but I have not been so tempted to eat something bad since I started this diet. Thank God there's no chocolate cake sitting in front of my face...oh wait, there is...

So London with pubs it is...

Answers...
     Ok...the only non-diet thing I've done since commencement... I had two glasses of wine at the pub. The good news is I'm just fine...with exception of being slightly on the tipsy side. Considering I'm on vacation though I think I've done pretty fantastic. For goodness sake I had my mother-in-law LITERALLY trying to shove chocolate in my mouth and I resisted. I think if I can stick with it and have the occasional glass of wine I'm still in good shape. Then, when I return to the states, I will go back to normal...no wine, no nothing worth enjoying....


Is that awful?

Moving hiatus,..

The horrors...
     So we don't have internet yet at the new place... it is amazing how difficult that has been. No internet is like living with no water. It is a true lifeline. (Not to sound dramatic or anything!) But now I am back to my parents for two days before we leave for London for a month to see the in-laws (duh, duh, duuuhhh...).

PSMF....Grrrr....
     I woke up yesterday (and continued on throughout the whole day) in the worst slump yet, by far. I mean I was ready to give up. I know that part of the problem is all this moving shit (I HATE moving), and also the fact that my mom stayed with us all weekend to "help" out, God love her (Ahhhhhh!), but I think I was really just having one of those days where you just wonder if it's worth it. Is it worth it to feel miserable just to get thin. Apparently in the end I decided it was, because I stuck with my diet.
    Seriously though, does anyone else ever feel resentful that they aren't allowed to be happy just because they aren't a size 4?

Finding my scale...
     Well, I would love to see how I'm doing, but I currently can't find the box with my scale in it. That is my first goal of the day.... will keep you posted. It is really the only thing that keeps me on track sometimes I think.

Weigh Day...and moving day!

Check in:
     Ok, so 4 pounds down this week. Again, realize that's good, but having a hard time getting psyched about it.... I'm sure I'll feel better after we're moved and settled and I'm not so stressed.

Insomnia...

Day three of packing...
     So my husband is already in Columbus at his new job, and here I am with a one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a shit-load of packing to do. Three days into packing and I swear on my life there is nothing packed! How can so much shit fit into a two bedroom apartment? Oh, did I mention it's finals week?
     Ok, I'm not going to complain anymore about it, mostly because I think it can only be considered therapeutic and not completely annoying when you do it for one or two posts...any more than that, well you get the point. Ok...just one more thing...
      THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER WITH A GLASS OF WINE!! Or at least a little chocolate :o)


Nevertheless...
     Regardless of what has been going on, I can't believe I've actually stuck to this diet 100%! Yay! I was a little terrified over the past couple weeks (and the coming few weeks too) because it is so stressful right now, but I feel like I'm coping ok. With a little help from the occasional Adavant.... ;o)

Anyone out there?
     I don't presume to believe that anyone actually reads my blog besides my husband and my friend Noreen (blog shout-out)...but if there is anyone else doing this fast right now, I would love to here how they are doing and what they are doing to help them cope!

PSMF w/PCOS Day Eighteen -- Sigh (solution to chocolate cravings)

Sigh of relief...
     Well I woke up this morning with renewed hope. Weighed in a pound and a half less than yesterday. Really wondering if missing my Magnesium two days in a row caused this blip? It is supposed to keep you from bloating. Hmm...anyway, at least I don't feel quite so frustrated anymore.

Papers, packing, class, kids...when do I sleep?
     The one good thing I can say is that I officially finished my papers this morning...Thank the Lord. However, I still have EVERYTHING to pack for the move...oh and the movers arrive Friday at 9am, have an exam to study for on Thursday, class at night, kids all day, and I am missing one husband who is basking in his freedom in Columbus at his new job, which incidentally is a lingerie company.... sounds suspicious to me ;o)

I almost forgot! 
     I MAY have found a solution to the chocolate problem! (Did I already talk about this?) Horrible memory...anyway...Tofutti fudgsicles. They aren't half bad. You kind of have to get past the slightly slimy outside, although I think that could be my freezer's fault. I realized the door wasn't all the way shut so I think they started melting. Either way, worth a try if you are as desperate as me for chocolate!

Does ketosis or PSMF cause depression?

Birthday Party...
     Today was my baby's first birthday party... my little men are getting so big! :o(  This was also a little sad because it was the typical birthday party: cake, pizza, and more cake. And of course the beer and wine I couldn't drink to soften the blow...
     I picked up the cake, then went straight to pick up the pizza....one may argue that those aromas are not for mixing in a car, but I was pretty much dying inside. I'm so HUNGRY! Made it through the party without a single slip though, even though I, of course, was given the job of cutting the delicious looking cake. It was killer...

All-nighter, no snacks...
     It used to be, when I was up all night doing school work that by keeping a bowl of pretzels, or even vegetables for goodness sake, would help keep me going when I would not be gracing the bed with my presence that night. I can't even have a good Skinny Caramel Macchiato to keep me going.... I have a perfectly good Starbucks gift card sitting unused. :o(

Depressed....
     I'm really pretty sure that this diet actually makes me a little depressed. And I'm not talking about my silly ranting about missing Starbucks and chocolate, although that is depressing in its own right. I am referring to feeling actually depressed. I have been the most emotional person the past two weeks, I can't remember ever crying this much! I pity my husband and kids right now...

Kicker...
     Oh, and here's the kicker...this was the first morning I woke up and had lost zero pounds. I know this shouldn't matter right now, I'm only supposed to go by my weekly weight, but it's still depressing...

Weigh Day Week Two....

I'll give it to you straight...
     So I'm a little disappointed I think. Which, if you are like me, a person who has a hard time losing weight, please don't be silently cursing me as you read this. It's just, I feel like as drastically as I have adjusted my diet and all, it seems like I should be able to notice weight loss on myself....clothes should fit better, people should be able to look and say "did you lose weight?"
     But, as it were, I have lost 5.9 lbs this week. Again, I know it's not bad, so don't start sending bad juju my way, but I feel like I am suffering through this diet and I guess I think I deserve a little better than that for as good as I have been. I mean, for God's sake, I made it through Easter (at THREE different houses!)...I made it through the beginnings of finals week where everyone seems to be sent some subliminal message to bring copious amounts of wonderfully awful foods, like doritos and easter candy. Don't I deserve a little better than 5.9 lbs?
     It's ok, you can tell me to stop being a whiney bitch and be grateful...I realize how it sounds.

Hypnotherapy...
     So, on a less annoyed note, I saw a Hypnotherapist yesterday for the first time. My therapist suggested it to me and I figured "What the hell!" Anyway... we went through about an hour of the whole question answer routine. Although, I must say that this particular question answer session was NOT quite as routine as the ones I have be part of in the past. He asked some VERY personal and VERY embarrassing moments! I am almost too embarrassed to say it here and this is anonymous! I did say 'almost' though....
     So he wanted to know EVERYTHING... when I first had sex, do I like sex, how often do I have sex, when was the first time I masturbated (Ahhhh!), am I depressed, have I ever had a psychotic break....and on and on and on, for an hour. Imagine answering those questions to an 80 year old man. I'll say it again... Ahhhhh!
     Anyway, so after the terribly embarrassing question answer session I had my first hypnosis session. It was interesting, but I can't rightly make any judgements on the whole process yet because the first session is more of an introduction. He went through the whole relaxation process and used imagery,  but mostly there was positive affirmations and assurance of the process and security. Next session I guess will be getting into the foggy abyss that is my subconscious...scary.

To Sum it...
     I lost 5.9 lbs this week. Total weight loss is now 13.4 lbs. I am now seeing a Therapist AND a Hypnotherapist (who by the way doesn't believe in diets.... wants me to stop....fat chance)
Will be returning later with some good info on the Protein Sparing Modified Fast and Ketosis as promised.

Make it or Break it... Day 15

Can I make it?
     Today has absolutely been one of the most difficult days in terms of food. I am still hungry all the time, and still not entirely convinced I have reached this state of ketosis. And with all the stress I'm loaded with right now, coupled with the fact that everywhere I turn there is Easter candy.... I'm feeling like this is a make it or break it day. I really want to make it, I do... I know that I need to keep going because it's working....and oh, because I'm FAT! But my question to myself today was:

"Is losing weight worth feeling like a miserable human being?"
     No...I suppose not. But then I was miserable because of my weight before anyway. This is just being miserable about it in a whole new way... Shaking things up a little, right?

Never the less I shall power through yet again....aided by my flavorless popsicle and Google. Hopefully I will be able to return for post two for the day with more information on ketosis.

Ahhh yes, Day Thirteen...

Everything revolves around food...
     So now that it's coming to the end of the semester apparently everyone feels it's necessary to bring food to class. I'm in my Tuesday night class, minding my own business, when I am suddenly assaulted by the overwhelming smell of Doritos and chocolate!
     Seriously? I have never been so attune to the smell of chocolate and questionably flavored little triangles. I'm still so hungary!

Another road trip...
     So I have to go on yet another apartment hunting trip to Columbus, only this time alone. I was a little nervous because, I mean who on a diet hasn't snuck the Hershey bar when no one was looking...it never happened then right?
     I actually had a fabulous day though! I spent the hour and half down listening to music, signing and dancing to music... I apologize to any truck drivers who were unfortunate enough to witness that spectacle. It was really nice though. Peaceful. Kids were being taken care of for the day, I just got to drive and think.
     I managed to stick to my guns too...went through McDonald's drive through and got only a diet coke.

Surprising self-control...
     Since I have been having such a hard time coping with the diet thus far, I am actually a little surprised that I have been able to abstain from...well pretty much all food. I think I'm even a little proud of myself! :o) Still really waiting for the perks of ketosis to kick in though. I mean, I am seriously questioning if I am in ketosis. Just because ketones are present does that necessarily mean you are in ketosis? Arg. I am looking forward to my next appointment with my dietitian.

Chocolate....mmmmm.... did I say that already? 
     I miss it. I actually pulled EVERY box of fudgesicles out of the Giant Eagle freezer section to check calories, fat, and carbs. I was hoping desperately that if one of them were close enough to the popsicles I am allowed, it might satisfy my chocolate craving. Don't make the mistake I did... there is no solution...

PSMF w/PCOS Day Ten -- Easter Part 2

Misery...
     So, like an idiot I forgot to bring my steamed broccoli with me. I figured I would be able to have ham and broccoli. I knew I couldn't count on any vegetables at Easter dinner because everyone uses either sauce or butter.
     So, like I said I forgot my broccoli, and as suspected there weren't any other cooked vegetables I could eat. However, I also wouldn't eat the ham. My Grandpa, God love him, decided to get extra creative this year and absolutely saturated the ham in a bourbon, molasses, honey sauce. I'm going to go ahead and guess that that would not be following my diet...

Cucumbers...
     And so there were cucumbers...a whole plate to be exact. I went and found the veggie tray and pilfered what I guesstimated to be one medium size cucumber, put them on my plated, salted them, and that was my Easter Dinner.
     Needless to say, I'm not feeling the Easter spirit today. If I have to see one more piece of damn chocolate I am liable to reach my breaking point and punch someone.

"Dinner"...
     Now I will go and enjoy my dinner of boiled chicken and steamed broccoli. Joyous day...


*Note to self (or anyone who may know the answer to my problem)...Find out why the hell my ketones still only come up as "small"!!

PSMF w/PCOS Day Nine -- Road trip

Woke up late...
     So my husband and I had plans to leave the house at 8am to drive to Columbus and look for apartments.  I, of course, woke up at 7:45am.  Ask me the last time the kids even slept that late?! Luckily for me, my grandparents love to watch the kids so they were there at 7:50am and I was able to take a shower and get ready at record speed. Not that we had a specific schedule or anything, I think we were both just looking forward to a whole day to ourselves in the quiet of the car to talk or just enjoy some silence! Anyway... out of the house around 8:30am and off to Columbus, about a 2 hour drive (less if I'm driving!).

No snacks...
     Unfortunately for my husband, due to my PSMF, there were no stops for breakfast or lunch, and no snacks for the car. Just water and diet coke. (God bless diet coke). Wasn't too bad though...except for the fact that I had to choke down 4 oz of plain chicken for breakfast (no time for anything else). That was actually pretty gross!

Nine hours...
     Nine hours of driving around looking for apartments. We saw everything from gorgeous $1400 apartments (that are about $500 above what I'm willing to spend...trying to save for a house here!) to shit-hole $700 apartments that smelled like feet. Oh, incidentally, the one that smelled like feet...The man that was showing it to us said, "Yeah, these are pretty spacey. Four guys from OSU lived in here last!" Hahaha..not a selling point for me! Regardless, we had a fairly enjoyable day together and got home in time to have dinner (missed lunch..oops).

Starving...
     So by the time I got home I was starving so I went straight to the fridge to heat up my chicken and broccoli. I didn't have enough to make up for missing lunch...didn't think that would be a good idea, but I did add about an ounce of protein to dinner and have a serving and a half of veggies.
     Oh, and did I mention that as a wonderfully devoted wife I brought leftover pizza home for my husband from my parents' house...do I hear a soft violin in the background? ;o)

Ketones...
     Really, I feel like I should be able to see a little more than this crappy small reading. Will be talking to my dietitian about this for sure at our next appt.

PSMF w/PCOS Day Eight -- Weigh day

Dun Dun Dunnnnn...
     So I wake up, get through my usual morning routine...diapers, bottles, etc. Then I take my sweet ass time getting to the bathroom (starting to get nervous).  FULLY empty my bladder... would hate for there to be a 1 oz. difference! ;o)
     So I finally make my way to the scale... down 7.5 pounds. Now I know I should be super excited about it, but I can't seem to find the motivation to be excited. I also know that I make no sense.

Blah! Everything else...
     I am going to try and make it a point this week to talk to either my dietitian or my therapist, or preferably someone else who is doing this diet. I swear I have spent the past three days minimum crying. My husband must be terrified that he's going to have to lock me up or something! I realize I have a lot going on, oh with the babies, grad school, impending trip to London to visit the in-laws, my husband's new job that starts in a week (in a different city), the move to the new city, all things to be completed before the month in London...
     I'd like to think that I am allowed a mini breakdown here, but then maybe someone is reading this (if anyone is reading this!) and saying "Oh stop being a whiney bitch." I'll admit I can be whiney sometimes, although I do try to avoid it at all costs. But everyone needs a little pity party sometimes!
     Oh, and still no real presence of ketones beyond small and still HUNGRY!