Weigh Day again

Not too shabby...
     Well, this was a pretty decent week. I lost 3.6 lbs I am however a little disappointed...My next benchmark was going to be 40 lbs and this week's loss took me to 39.2, a stinkin' eight-tenths of a pound away! How frustrating! Oh, well, I guess I can't complain too much...just frustrating to come so close!

No Sleep...
     I swear I haven't had a decent night's sleep in 3 years (make that 4 - pregnancy is just as bad for sleep as babies). But the past week has been hellish! I'm trying to get my one-year-old to sleep in his new crib and it has turned out to be quite the exhausting ordeal. This is not helping make my PSMF easier either. When I am constantly up that late at night I am seriously craving chocolate! I swear if I were a sleep walker I would probably be walking to the nearest store with almond joys!

Half way point...
     So I am around what I had considered the half-way point of my diet. When I made my progress charts I made them for twenty weeks and I am currently at week ten.  I can't figure out if I am reaching a slump (in terms of motivation) or just the opposite. Some days I feel so FREAKING sick of eating protein and vegetables and NOTHING else. And some days I feel super motivated by the fact that I am finally noticing a difference in terms of clothes size etc. Think I need some more motivation. Any suggestions?

Update

Delay...
     Well apparently the past two weigh days have been Sundays. Between not having a scale in Paris and then coming home and feeling very bloated...well you get the point. This week it will be Friday as usual though. I am home, my first weekend full of catching up and my son's birthday party is over. I can finally find some routine and stability in my days.
     Hopefully this will only help my weight loss. In the mean time my most recent weight loss was 2.1 lbs. Bringing me to 32.7.

Hopefully I will have more time to blog this week....did I mention how happy I am to be home :o)

Late weigh day

Another guesstimate...
     Once again I had no one to read the scale for me, so it was another guess, between 3 & 4 lbs. lost, so I will stick with the lower (3) just in case! Brings my total to just over 30 lbs. Can't figure out what is wrong with me though! I just can't get excited about that. I think it's because on one of the charts I have made (I have two) I have written down how much weight I want to lose and I see that big number and think that no other number matters much in comparison...

Survived Paris...
     I can't even believe I survived my whole Paris trip without eating anything non-diet.  My three-year-old's behavior was horrendous to the point he had me in tears (a lot). I'm sure if you have read any of my previous blogs you know that his behavior since we began our month in London has slowly taken away all his manners and his behavior has gotten worse. However, our trip to Paris was the most horrifying, mortifying, ungodly experience I've ever had.
     Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed as much of my trip as possible, but he threw fits (in public) that I have never witnessed on any child before. He actually smacked me in the face...that has never happened in his whole life until he started getting too spoiled and allowed to get away with anything in London. It is so frustrating because I don't know how to cope with this kind of behavior, I have never HAD to deal with this kind of behavior. I am totally lost.
     Anyway, the point to all of this was that I survived being around wonderfully delicious food 24/7 while being beyond stressed and I didn't touch any of it! I at least feel proud of myself for that (and also a little sad!)...I was in Paris and didn't get to have ANY French food...no croissant, no chocolates, nothing...

Sigh...

Delays!

Sorry for the delay...
     Ok, so I didn't realize how difficult it would be to sit down and blog after my husband abandoned me [;o)] in London with my in-laws! I feel very awkward just sitting and typing away on the computer while sitting in a room with them. Right now, my mother-in-law took the kids in the stroller to the shop and my father-in-law (who I feel markedly more comfortable around anyway) is reading the paper...soooo I feel I can at least do a quick update.

SLOWING down...
     So, it appears that my weight loss is slowing down here. I do realize that the scale isn't as accurate (much harder to read), and that I have been stressed, however, I have been CONSTANTLY on the move, shoving the kids around in the stroller one place or another. I also have a harder time with measurements and my mother-in-law is also insisting on preparing my dinner. I have made it very clear that I am on a very strict diet, but this does not stop her. In her defense she has been giving me plates with either salmon or some other protein and vegetables, but there have been too many vegetables and the protein servings are not measured.
     So basically, since my husband (a.k.a. my voice in the house) left, I haven't lost anything. Weigh day isn't until Friday, but seeing as how I haven't lost anything up until today (Wednesday), it's not looking good...

Rambling...
     Excuse my writing...if it sounds like I'm rambling or rushing, well, I am! I need to update here, take a shower, and have gone to the drug store before the kids get back! Must run! Any suggestions for my current food situation/mother-in-law situation would be welcome!

*Oh, and I have been checking my ketones...while my husband was here I was measuring moderate to high...now I am back down to small. Boo!

Moving hiatus,..

The horrors...
     So we don't have internet yet at the new place... it is amazing how difficult that has been. No internet is like living with no water. It is a true lifeline. (Not to sound dramatic or anything!) But now I am back to my parents for two days before we leave for London for a month to see the in-laws (duh, duh, duuuhhh...).

PSMF....Grrrr....
     I woke up yesterday (and continued on throughout the whole day) in the worst slump yet, by far. I mean I was ready to give up. I know that part of the problem is all this moving shit (I HATE moving), and also the fact that my mom stayed with us all weekend to "help" out, God love her (Ahhhhhh!), but I think I was really just having one of those days where you just wonder if it's worth it. Is it worth it to feel miserable just to get thin. Apparently in the end I decided it was, because I stuck with my diet.
    Seriously though, does anyone else ever feel resentful that they aren't allowed to be happy just because they aren't a size 4?

Finding my scale...
     Well, I would love to see how I'm doing, but I currently can't find the box with my scale in it. That is my first goal of the day.... will keep you posted. It is really the only thing that keeps me on track sometimes I think.

Weigh Day...and moving day!

Check in:
     Ok, so 4 pounds down this week. Again, realize that's good, but having a hard time getting psyched about it.... I'm sure I'll feel better after we're moved and settled and I'm not so stressed.

You have got to be kidding me...

Am I bitter? Yes....
     Ok, I know that overall my diet would be considered successful...I've continued to lose weight, etc. However, not only did I feel disappointment yesterday morning when I woke up and realized it was the first day I didn't lose anything, but then I had to face pizza and birthday cake feeling that disappointment. And I stayed strong. Instead of eating the food I pulled out that disgusting can of tuna and ate half of it plain.
     So I went through all of that yesterday...followed it up with a night of no sleep working on my, what turned out to be, eight papers I have to get done for school. Then, I stop working when the boys wake up...check my ketones ("small" as usual)...then I check my weight... I gained 1/2 pound yesterday!!!!!
     I realize that you aren't supposed to weigh yourself everyday, blah blah blah...and I realize that it may very well mean nothing. But SERIOUSLY, isn't sort of like pouring salt in the wound that I went through pure hell the day before only to find out I not only didn't lose weight, but gained.
     Wow, I could bitch about this for awhile, but I won't...I'll end with my dad's explanation. As we were eating lunch at Arby's today (pathetic if you are on PSMF by the way....like one ounce of chicken sandwiched between tomatoes and onion)...so we're eating and I'm bitching, did I mention I could smell his curly fries, and his explanation is: "Maybe you absorbed the pizza molecules floating around in the air."
     I may normally slough that off as silliness, however, I am beginning to think that my body is so f'ed up and determined to defy nature...there might just be something to that....

Does ketosis or PSMF cause depression?

Birthday Party...
     Today was my baby's first birthday party... my little men are getting so big! :o(  This was also a little sad because it was the typical birthday party: cake, pizza, and more cake. And of course the beer and wine I couldn't drink to soften the blow...
     I picked up the cake, then went straight to pick up the pizza....one may argue that those aromas are not for mixing in a car, but I was pretty much dying inside. I'm so HUNGRY! Made it through the party without a single slip though, even though I, of course, was given the job of cutting the delicious looking cake. It was killer...

All-nighter, no snacks...
     It used to be, when I was up all night doing school work that by keeping a bowl of pretzels, or even vegetables for goodness sake, would help keep me going when I would not be gracing the bed with my presence that night. I can't even have a good Skinny Caramel Macchiato to keep me going.... I have a perfectly good Starbucks gift card sitting unused. :o(

Depressed....
     I'm really pretty sure that this diet actually makes me a little depressed. And I'm not talking about my silly ranting about missing Starbucks and chocolate, although that is depressing in its own right. I am referring to feeling actually depressed. I have been the most emotional person the past two weeks, I can't remember ever crying this much! I pity my husband and kids right now...

Kicker...
     Oh, and here's the kicker...this was the first morning I woke up and had lost zero pounds. I know this shouldn't matter right now, I'm only supposed to go by my weekly weight, but it's still depressing...

Weigh Day Week Two....

I'll give it to you straight...
     So I'm a little disappointed I think. Which, if you are like me, a person who has a hard time losing weight, please don't be silently cursing me as you read this. It's just, I feel like as drastically as I have adjusted my diet and all, it seems like I should be able to notice weight loss on myself....clothes should fit better, people should be able to look and say "did you lose weight?"
     But, as it were, I have lost 5.9 lbs this week. Again, I know it's not bad, so don't start sending bad juju my way, but I feel like I am suffering through this diet and I guess I think I deserve a little better than that for as good as I have been. I mean, for God's sake, I made it through Easter (at THREE different houses!)...I made it through the beginnings of finals week where everyone seems to be sent some subliminal message to bring copious amounts of wonderfully awful foods, like doritos and easter candy. Don't I deserve a little better than 5.9 lbs?
     It's ok, you can tell me to stop being a whiney bitch and be grateful...I realize how it sounds.

Hypnotherapy...
     So, on a less annoyed note, I saw a Hypnotherapist yesterday for the first time. My therapist suggested it to me and I figured "What the hell!" Anyway... we went through about an hour of the whole question answer routine. Although, I must say that this particular question answer session was NOT quite as routine as the ones I have be part of in the past. He asked some VERY personal and VERY embarrassing moments! I am almost too embarrassed to say it here and this is anonymous! I did say 'almost' though....
     So he wanted to know EVERYTHING... when I first had sex, do I like sex, how often do I have sex, when was the first time I masturbated (Ahhhh!), am I depressed, have I ever had a psychotic break....and on and on and on, for an hour. Imagine answering those questions to an 80 year old man. I'll say it again... Ahhhhh!
     Anyway, so after the terribly embarrassing question answer session I had my first hypnosis session. It was interesting, but I can't rightly make any judgements on the whole process yet because the first session is more of an introduction. He went through the whole relaxation process and used imagery,  but mostly there was positive affirmations and assurance of the process and security. Next session I guess will be getting into the foggy abyss that is my subconscious...scary.

To Sum it...
     I lost 5.9 lbs this week. Total weight loss is now 13.4 lbs. I am now seeing a Therapist AND a Hypnotherapist (who by the way doesn't believe in diets.... wants me to stop....fat chance)
Will be returning later with some good info on the Protein Sparing Modified Fast and Ketosis as promised.

Make it or Break it... Day 15

Can I make it?
     Today has absolutely been one of the most difficult days in terms of food. I am still hungry all the time, and still not entirely convinced I have reached this state of ketosis. And with all the stress I'm loaded with right now, coupled with the fact that everywhere I turn there is Easter candy.... I'm feeling like this is a make it or break it day. I really want to make it, I do... I know that I need to keep going because it's working....and oh, because I'm FAT! But my question to myself today was:

"Is losing weight worth feeling like a miserable human being?"
     No...I suppose not. But then I was miserable because of my weight before anyway. This is just being miserable about it in a whole new way... Shaking things up a little, right?

Never the less I shall power through yet again....aided by my flavorless popsicle and Google. Hopefully I will be able to return for post two for the day with more information on ketosis.

Ahhh yes, Day Thirteen...

Everything revolves around food...
     So now that it's coming to the end of the semester apparently everyone feels it's necessary to bring food to class. I'm in my Tuesday night class, minding my own business, when I am suddenly assaulted by the overwhelming smell of Doritos and chocolate!
     Seriously? I have never been so attune to the smell of chocolate and questionably flavored little triangles. I'm still so hungary!

Another road trip...
     So I have to go on yet another apartment hunting trip to Columbus, only this time alone. I was a little nervous because, I mean who on a diet hasn't snuck the Hershey bar when no one was looking...it never happened then right?
     I actually had a fabulous day though! I spent the hour and half down listening to music, signing and dancing to music... I apologize to any truck drivers who were unfortunate enough to witness that spectacle. It was really nice though. Peaceful. Kids were being taken care of for the day, I just got to drive and think.
     I managed to stick to my guns too...went through McDonald's drive through and got only a diet coke.

Surprising self-control...
     Since I have been having such a hard time coping with the diet thus far, I am actually a little surprised that I have been able to abstain from...well pretty much all food. I think I'm even a little proud of myself! :o) Still really waiting for the perks of ketosis to kick in though. I mean, I am seriously questioning if I am in ketosis. Just because ketones are present does that necessarily mean you are in ketosis? Arg. I am looking forward to my next appointment with my dietitian.

Chocolate....mmmmm.... did I say that already? 
     I miss it. I actually pulled EVERY box of fudgesicles out of the Giant Eagle freezer section to check calories, fat, and carbs. I was hoping desperately that if one of them were close enough to the popsicles I am allowed, it might satisfy my chocolate craving. Don't make the mistake I did... there is no solution...

PSMF w/PCOS Day Eleven -- Oh the irony...

Irony...
     So I think it's pretty ironic that I manage to survive all the Easter baskets and Easter dinner, especially considering the only thing I had available to me for lunch was raw cucumber, I made it through all that without cheating, then I weigh myself the next day I was up. Ok only like two-tenths of a pound, but still...how ridiculous!

Going Simple...
     So I have decided that the easiest and probably best thing for me while I'm struggling is to keep it very simple. So today (and yesterday alike) I had chicken for breakfast (I know...yuck), chicken and broccoli for lunch, and...you guessed it, chicken and broccoli for dinner. I drank tons of water as usual and I think I had one twenty ounce Diet Mountain Dew (so I didn't go over my aspartame restrictions.

Chaos...
     My life in a nutshell: Babies (1 & 3), husband, endless laundry, painful feet due to "toy on the floor" syndrome, Grad school, two weeks until a month in London with the in-laws, one week until my husband starts a new job in a new city, two days until I have to go apartment hunting AGAIN, four days until my son's first birthday party, 14 hours until I have to present to my class, and approximately 5 minutes until I completely lose my mind... I miss wine.

Staying strong...
     I can proudly say though that I have not swayed once, even though I want to go crazy, I have stuck to my guns! REALLY hope I can keep it up... and I really hope I am given reason to keep it up as well. I'm ok suffering through an extreme diet, but ONLY if I see the results. Wish me luck...

PSMF w/PCOS Day Nine -- Road trip

Woke up late...
     So my husband and I had plans to leave the house at 8am to drive to Columbus and look for apartments.  I, of course, woke up at 7:45am.  Ask me the last time the kids even slept that late?! Luckily for me, my grandparents love to watch the kids so they were there at 7:50am and I was able to take a shower and get ready at record speed. Not that we had a specific schedule or anything, I think we were both just looking forward to a whole day to ourselves in the quiet of the car to talk or just enjoy some silence! Anyway... out of the house around 8:30am and off to Columbus, about a 2 hour drive (less if I'm driving!).

No snacks...
     Unfortunately for my husband, due to my PSMF, there were no stops for breakfast or lunch, and no snacks for the car. Just water and diet coke. (God bless diet coke). Wasn't too bad though...except for the fact that I had to choke down 4 oz of plain chicken for breakfast (no time for anything else). That was actually pretty gross!

Nine hours...
     Nine hours of driving around looking for apartments. We saw everything from gorgeous $1400 apartments (that are about $500 above what I'm willing to spend...trying to save for a house here!) to shit-hole $700 apartments that smelled like feet. Oh, incidentally, the one that smelled like feet...The man that was showing it to us said, "Yeah, these are pretty spacey. Four guys from OSU lived in here last!" Hahaha..not a selling point for me! Regardless, we had a fairly enjoyable day together and got home in time to have dinner (missed lunch..oops).

Starving...
     So by the time I got home I was starving so I went straight to the fridge to heat up my chicken and broccoli. I didn't have enough to make up for missing lunch...didn't think that would be a good idea, but I did add about an ounce of protein to dinner and have a serving and a half of veggies.
     Oh, and did I mention that as a wonderfully devoted wife I brought leftover pizza home for my husband from my parents' house...do I hear a soft violin in the background? ;o)

Ketones...
     Really, I feel like I should be able to see a little more than this crappy small reading. Will be talking to my dietitian about this for sure at our next appt.

PSMF w/PCOS Day Eight -- Weigh day

Dun Dun Dunnnnn...
     So I wake up, get through my usual morning routine...diapers, bottles, etc. Then I take my sweet ass time getting to the bathroom (starting to get nervous).  FULLY empty my bladder... would hate for there to be a 1 oz. difference! ;o)
     So I finally make my way to the scale... down 7.5 pounds. Now I know I should be super excited about it, but I can't seem to find the motivation to be excited. I also know that I make no sense.

Blah! Everything else...
     I am going to try and make it a point this week to talk to either my dietitian or my therapist, or preferably someone else who is doing this diet. I swear I have spent the past three days minimum crying. My husband must be terrified that he's going to have to lock me up or something! I realize I have a lot going on, oh with the babies, grad school, impending trip to London to visit the in-laws, my husband's new job that starts in a week (in a different city), the move to the new city, all things to be completed before the month in London...
     I'd like to think that I am allowed a mini breakdown here, but then maybe someone is reading this (if anyone is reading this!) and saying "Oh stop being a whiney bitch." I'll admit I can be whiney sometimes, although I do try to avoid it at all costs. But everyone needs a little pity party sometimes!
     Oh, and still no real presence of ketones beyond small and still HUNGRY!

PSMF w/PCOS Day Seven -- Seriously?

Laundry and crying...
     So I would love to know how other people are doing on this diet. I don't know if it's the diet itself or the insane amount of upheaval in my life right now, but apparently I am an emotional mess. I spent my day doing laundry and crying. That really was about the extent of it until I had to go to class and watch everyone eat candy and cookies...seriously?

Headaches galor...
     I was told that I might have a headache for the first few days, but seeing as this is day seven and all I thought I would be past that. Especially since I don't think I even had one in the first couple days. (Although I would have to re-read my own blog because I have the worst memory on the face of the earth!) Have had this steady, almost hangover like, headache since about 11AM...seriously?

Broken computers, long classes, and family dinners...
     So while attempting to finish a paper for tonights class my computer decided to hate me and died. Must take to the Apple store first thing tomorrow. Needless to say my paper is not yet completed. But still, I went to class and sat through a much longer session than I anticipated. I'm exhausted...is it the emotion, stress, lack of food, I don't know, but I am absolutely exhausted.
     Finally class ends, so I make my way to my parents house for our traditional Passover meal (one of my favorite of the year incidently) of lamb, tabouli, and pita. Of course I can't eat most of it so I sit hungrily watching other people eat my favorite food.
     I continue to monitor my ketones, I have been checking morning and evening just for comparison sake, and I'm still not very impressed with the results. Continues to show between trace and small, and occassionally moderate. This is the element that is supposed to keep me from getting hungry (and I am starving right now), and is supposed to give me an energy boost, did I mention I'm exhausted?
     I mean, really, all I can say is: Seriously??

PSMF w/PCOS Day Six -- Conquering the McDonald's drive-thru

Please ketones, please...
     Ketones levels still appear to be around small. Not sure how to feel about that...think I need to talk to the dietitian and find out if that matters or not.

Laundry and no snacks...

     Well I did laundry all day yesterday (seriously..ALL DAY). I was also hungry and tired all day yesterday. Still waiting for this magical feeling of satisfaction and energy... 

Hair cuts...

     Have you ever taken a three year-old and a one year-old with you to get your hair done? Don't. 

It turns what can be a perfectly relaxing experience into a waste of money when you've suddenly ripped out all of your freshly dyed and cut hair...

     In an effort to get my three tear-old to sit still for just long enough to get his hair cut (we've saved him for last...bad idea), I told him we could get apples from McDonald's on the way home to go with dinner. I love that when we drive past a McDonald's he's pleas are for apples! 

The McDonald's drive-thru...

     So we made it through the hair cuts, now can I make it through the drive-thru? Apparently I can, but it's not easy. I took my husband and kids through the drive-thru and the boys share a happy meal and my husband gets something ridiculously and disgustingly delicious. Luckily the drive with the greasy smell in the car only lasts a couple minutes. I then proceed to help the hubby get the kids inside (and come frighteningly close to unconsciously consuming a french fry....I don't.

Sigh...

     As soon as I help get the kids inside I turn and run from the smell of burgers and fries and take a drive. And sigh....

PSMF w/PCOS Day Five -- Beware of the Fat Lady

More tests...
     So I was a little more than annoyed as I pushed through morning rush hour traffic to Cleveland to get another round of blood drawn, fluids collected, and an EKG. But, I get it, I had to do it. Not a great start to the day though especially since it was raining and since I couldn't find a parking space I had to pay $12 for valet parking (SLOW valet parking). Got it done though and managed to make it home without hurting anyway, even though I was starving because I had to be fasting for my tests. Wait...I thought I already was fasting??

Screaming babies, cleaning toilets, and still hungry...
     I had a fairly cooped up day due to the rain and all the work I need to get done. Unfortunately this only exaggerated my irritated mood and growing hunger for wine and chocolate. If I was cleaning, the babies were screaming. If I was playing with the babies they were making enormous messes and being quite grumpy due to the lack of attention earlier and the EXTREME lack of sleep we all got last night. It was definitely a no-win situation today.
     And, I don't know if it was because I didn't get breakfast, or because of my general grumpiness, but I really had to stand firm today and constantly remind myself not to eat anything that wasn't on the diet list. I actually think it may have had something to do with the phone call from my endocrinologist yesterday. She was insisting I stop the diet for two days until she gives me the go ahead, and I think the devil on my shoulder, better known as Ben & Jerry, was nagging at the back of my mind saying: "It's not technically cheating because she doesn't want me doing it anyway..."
     Happy to say I did not slip up. Too grumpy to be proud right now, maybe I will be in the morning.

Boring food...
     So today consisted of no breakfast, two eggs, the last tiny bit of cooked chicken in the fridge, cottage cheese, and broccoli for lunch (5 oz of protein and one serving of vegetables). Dinner was more chicken and more broccoli (6 oz of protein and one serving of vegetables).

Ketones, where are you?
     Ketones still came up as small today...hoping they'll pick up a little. Still waiting for their benefits of lack of hunger, etc.

**Oh, and I changed my font to KRANKY....seemed appropriate. :o)

Day Three Continued...

Headache...
     So I did pretty well with the hunger issue today, certainly better than I thought I would, especially considering that after our pottery painting expedition the girls decided they wanted to go for ice cream. I went, but of course got nothing. As much as ice cream is a huge temptation for me that really wasn't too bad, nothing like this headache. For the past two days I have slowly been getting a headache and it really reared its ugly head tonight. My head is pounding. I am sure there are probably a lot of reasons for this, stress being only the least of them, but oh man... My dietician did warn me this was a possibility until my body hit a state of ketosis. Come on ketosis....

Food...
     So today was a little better food wise than yesterday.
Breakfast was three eggs and two pieces of turkey bacon. Lunch was 1/2 c. of cottage cheese and broccoli and turkey bacon again. Dinner was 5 oz. of chicken and broccoli. And as soon as I'm done here I will add another Jello onto the list. I think I'm probably finding a new tolerance for the stuff since it is the only option for sweet.

Experiences and Sharing...
     I really hope that if anyone else is reading through this that they will share their own experiences. I always find it easier on a diet (especially of this caliber) to have people who are also experiencing it for discussion. Please feel free to share!